"Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it"

You would think that now that prancing around in a costume is my job, I would be less excited about prancing around in a costume during my free time. You'd think I'd be more excited about, I don't know, Arbor Day or Teacher Appreciation Day or something. But no, never fear. I can never do too much costumed prancing. Plus there is a distinct lack of glitter in my work costumes. Halloween is the night when all the civilians can indulge their inner actor, because let's face it, doesn't everyone secretly want to be an actor? Ok, fine: everyone secretly wants to prance around in costumes.

Yes, Halloween has always had a very special place in my heart. All of my birthday parties growing up were costume/Halloween-themed, and ever since my kindergarten birthday party where Kenny Fontaine stuck his green-painted ninja turtle face in the cake, I have expected a rocking good time.

We pulled off the highway to Milan, Ohio, birthplace of Thomas Alva Edison and saw...cows. We continued down the road and saw...corn. By the time we hit our first sign of civilization, the Tractor Supply Co., I was starting to panic. This was not Halloween fun! This was not eyeball cupcakes and spooky punch and the monster mash! This was not a slutty costume contest and dance party in the visual arts center! This was Deliverance, but boring.

Thankfully, before I started bouncing off the walls of my corn-surrounded hotel room (seriously, all I could see out my window, far as the eye could see, was corn. three sides of corn, one side of road), someone masterminded a plan to get costumed, and drive to the Cedar Point amusement park. So a fairy, a zombie, a jester, a vampire, the Joker, a redneck, Elton John and Pippi Longstocking set off in a big white van into the Ohio night in search of adventure.

Guess what? YOU CAN'T WEAR HALLOWEEN COSTUMES IN CEDAR POINT. If you're an adult, that is. Yes, we got kicked out of an amusement park. On Halloween. And no, it wasn't for indecent exposure. Our costumes weren't that slutty. It's just a weird, stupid policy. No costumes on Halloween? For serious? HEINOUS. I was worried that Halloween was RUINED. Half of the gang decided to de-costume and stay; the fairy, the zombie, the vampire, the Joker and Pippi headed into downtown Sandusky, Ohio, to see what fun could be had at The Thirsty Pony.

Turns out, the Thirsty Pony was awesome Halloween fun! Bar plus restaurant plus betting tables plus bowling alley plus laser tag equals good times! I had some sort of lethal concoction called the Twisted Pony, following my usual strategy of ordering the pinkest thing on the menu. We had a delicious feast of cheesy bar food (it was sort of a Roman-style bacchanalian barfood orgy) then headed down the hall to the bowling alley. It was BLACKLIGHT bowling, of all things, with awesome music and disco lights and glow in the dark lanes! Fantastic! I of course immediately created an impromptu dance party, as creating dance parties where none are intended is my second-favorite hobby, after needlecrafts.

As if blacklight bowling/dance party wasn't already tons of fun, we learned that we were within spitting distance of the number 4 haunted house in the country. Surprisingly, the table full of frat guys I asked for directions were not particularly helpful in showing me a way out of the bar...hmm...thankfully our fantastic, pink-slutty-cat-costumed waitress showed us the way.

I used to be really, really afraid of Haunted Houses. Like had to leave through the emergency exit because I was hyperventilating afraid. But even though I screamed a LOT and had a kung fu death grip on the hands of whomever was nearest to me, it wasnt nearly as bad as I'd thought it would be. Maybe after two Twisted Ponys nothing is scary. Maybe it was because I realized that all the people popping out at me in zombie makeup are probably unemployed actors and that's way scarier than any Haunted House.

When I woke up the next morning, my sheets were covered in glitter. The sign of a very Happy, Happy Halloween indeed. Mwahahahhaaaaaaaaaa