It's More Than a Show - It's a Dixie Stampede Adventure of a Lifetime!

For some people, it's Paris. A black and white wonderland full of women smoking in Chanel and men in berets, sipping black coffee and falling in love. For some people, it's Italy. Technicolor Tuscany, winding streets, hopping on the back of a vespa and riding away with an impossibly handsome stranger. Dream destinations, the ones that become so iconic, so mythical, that there's no way the reality can measure up. For me, that dream place was Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. And this weekend, I finally made it.

It was quite an epic journey. Day one, New York to Maryland (long.) By the time we made our next-to-final stop at a Burger King, we were all going a little nutty. Our driver put on a crown, declared himself king and the van his dominion. I was granted a duchy, as Duchess Applefrita (did you know Burger King makes apple fries? Delicious!) and we terrorized toll booths all the way down to our hotel. In Maryland, we then ran into some extremely drunk middle-aged women who were, um, to use a less than polite term, trailer trash. They were falling all over eachother, yelling "I want a brownie!", "the yuppies are staring!" and "who cares what the goddamn yuppies think!" Toto, I have a feeling we're not in New England any more. Day two, Maryland to South Carolina (longer.) Highlights included a "DARE TO BARE! Adult Films and Toys and Trucker Showers!" shack (trucker showers?) and something involving a giant sombrero called South of the Border that was just too weird to get into describing. But a singalong of Cher's Farewell Tour makes a ten hour drive go faster than you'd think.

I know, I know, you're still thinking - what the hell? Why? Why Myrtle Beach? Well, my best friend in elementary school and her family went every summer, and came back with hermit crabs and tales of magical places like Medieval Times and the Dixie Stampede. I wanted to go more than anything else. And last night, I was at Dolly Parton's DIXIE STAMPEDE!

The Dixie Stampede is a huge building in the shape of a plantation/diamond hall jubilee house. After a 45 minute juggling/banjo preshow, we entered the arena - a giant oval ring with sawdust, sort of like a circus, with wooden bleachers and tables all around. Our stage manager and I take our seats, and are pleased to note that we've been placed on the North side - the audience is divided half and half, North and South. The lights dimmed....cue fog...cue voice..."AMERICA. Land of the Free. Home of the Brave. The most bountiful country IN THE WORLD." Cue herd of buffalo. Then came the Indians, then the settlers from back east, then (cue dramatic music) "different ideas of what freedom means." Aka the Civil War. Then began the real show- the North and South compete in equestrian events, with each side of the audience cheering them on, and whoever wins the most events wins the "war"/dinnershow. In between the trick riding there are wonderful music/dance numbers such as "Belle of the Ball," "Southern Cooking," and "Yankee Ingenuity," many of which feature costumes that light up. There are also pig races, chicken races, and miniature horse races. Throughout the show, you feast on some of that Southern Cooking - creamy vegetable soup, a biscuit, an herb baked potato, a whole chicken, pork loin, an apple turnover, and, wonder of wonders, UNLIMITED PEPSI PRODUCTS. They literally set a PITCHER of diet pepsi down before me. Needless to say, hopped up on all that caffeine and sequins, I was hootin and hollerin with the best of them. Like Dolly herself, it was ridiculous and overthetop in the best possible way.
And in case you were wondering, obviously the North won.

Today was pretty much perfect. Our hotel is SUPERnice, two room suites with full kitchen and everything, and even more important, RIGHT ON THE BEACH. We spent all morning playing in the waves, then running into the hot tub, then lunch at Thorny's Saloon, then the afternoon in the lazy river pool, and then back again to the beach at night after a trip to the ice cream stand. Yes, as I'd been warned, much of Myrtle Beach is tacky strip malls full of supercrap. But the beach is beautiful. I haven't spent this much time in the ocean since summer vacation in elementary school, and it was just amazing.

Paris isn't in black and white. The closest it gets is grey and drizzly. Myrtle Beach, however, was pretty much just what I expected. A little dirtier, a little sketchier, one trip is probably enough, but overall, KICKASS.
Thank you, Dolly Parton. Thank you.

Now I have to deal with the fact that I'm NOT being paid to sit on the beach all day, and the alarm is set for 6:15...