From Illinois to Indiana, and Every Applebee's in Between

So I may have judged Illinois a little too harshly. After one LONG weekend in Elgin, Illinois that included not one, not two, but three trips to the Spring Hill Mall, I was not a fan. Illinois seemed pretty damn boring. It appears that I may have judged too harshly, however. Our last week in Illinois sported some of the best venues we've been to. Firstly, The Rialto Square Theatre, the jewel of Joliet, Illinois - www.rialtosquare.com. A stunningly beautiful former Vaudeville palace with the sweetest crew who bought us donuts from a local bakery and had us help ourselves to a GIANT REFRIGERATOR FULL OF SODA. And when I thought there was no way anything else could compare, we went to The Paramount Theater in Aurora - www.paramountaurora.com. Again, stunningly beautiful, a former art deco movie palace, with victorian-inspired dressing rooms complete with chaise lounge, hat rack, more local donuts, and a REFRIGERATOR FULL OF SODA. I'm starting to get spoiled. It was like a princess dressing room.

We have, however, driven to Indiana, and all the spoiled has been knocked right out of me. As well as the notion that Illinois is boring. Oh, how wrong I was. What I wouldn't give for a Spring Hill Mall right about now...

So I drove the van (yes, I drove, again, no fatalities, although I think we had a couple close calls due to people trying to fling themselves out of the van after two and half hours of Kelly Clarkson) from Aurora, Illinois to "beautiful" Elkhart, Indiana. Except for the time I drove the truck through it, I've never been to Indiana. My dad was actually born in South Bend, and now, I so understand why we don't live there.

Elkhart has never been a raging metropolis. It used to be a fairly prominent manufacturer of RVs. However, as RV use has declined, because not that many people vacation in them any more, so too has Elkhart declined. And it is bleak.

We arrived at the Sleep Inn. We went to the Goodwill to buy two-for-one t-shirts. We went to the Martin's Grocery Store for coffee and jumbo muffins. We went to the Big K K-Mart to buy more toothpaste. We went to Applebee's for dinner. And that...was the END OF THE TOWN. There was NOTHING ELSE. Faced with this depressing realization, there was nothing else to do but explore the fact that it was 3.50 Margarita night at Applebee's. Guess how many flavors of Margaritas Applebee's makes? A lot.

Post-dinner I was seriously considering flinging myself in the road and waiting for a tractor to come along and put me out of my misery, but some of my copatriots and I rallied, and Other Actress drove the van to a bar on the lake out the outskirts of town. We could hear the Tom Petty/The Who/The Presidents cover band from outside, so I was sort of cheered. I take a dance party wherever I can get one. Inside, it was mostly full of really drunk middle-aged women with bad roots and mom jeans and men in baseball caps. Turns out men in Indiana bars are just like men in southern bars, only even more direct.

First man in bar: Hey there, sweetheart, what's your name?
Me: Stephanie
First man: You're 18, right?
Me: Goodbye.

Second Man: Where you from?
Me: Connecticut. You?
Second man: Aw, shit, I'm just from South Bend.
Me: That's nice.
Second man: How old are you?
Me: Goodbye.

Third man: What on earth is a little girl like you doin in this bar, darlin! You're legal, right?
Me: Goodbye.

Remember on The Simple Life, when Paris and Nicole went to Indiana and met all the cute, sweet, farmer boys? Why is life not like that? Why is life not simple, but, in fact complicated? Paris and Nicole lied. Sure, sure, some of the bar boys were cute, with their hoosier baseball caps and long-sleeved thermal tees, but alas, but they were not the wholesome farmer princes of my dreams. I thought I'd found one. Tall, brown hair, blue eyes, named Rusty, for pete's sake. We ended up having like a 45 minute conversation about deer hunting (I know...I know I told you this place was bleak, but I know a lot more about the differences between archery and bow hunting now) in which I talked revealed that I'd been to school in Vermont, so obviously I knew all about deer hunting (yeah, I'm full of shit, sue me.)

Rusty: Vermont, huh? I've never met anybody from up there. Never met anybody from further'n Delaware. What're you doin way out here?
Me: Oh, I'm on a children's theatre tour.
Rusty: Children's theatre! Like Diego Live!? My son loves that shit!
Me: No, no, not like - wait, what now?
[notices wedding ring]
Me: Goodbye.
Rusty: Wait, let me give you a ride in my truck!
Me: Goodbye.

Sigh...you know, if someone told me at the end of the year Theatre Brunch that my first professional gig would lead me to drinking margaritas at the Elkhart Applebee's and ditching married farmers by the side of Indiana State Road 19, I wouldn't have believed it.